At peace

It’s been a crazy year.  A year ago this time my husband and I were pretty somber.  We didn’t know how we would survive the year that was ahead.  We made it, and as my blog demonstrates, not without alot of growing pains.  This Christmas, I’m a little more hopeful, much more has gone for us than against us.  We are blessed with absolutely amazing children an incredibly loving home.  I need to remind myself of this when we are screaming, irritating each other, criticizing each other, and just too stinking busy to stop and smell the roses.

I woke up feeling a little stressed about Christmas.  Lots to do, lots to cook, lots to clean. A little worried about how it will all get done and paid for. I stopped to think about our night last night.  It was fun, a family memory to cherish not just skip over.  We had a nice dinner together, for once the kids lingered at the table with us and TALKED.  We talked about what we admire in people, how to help people, aspirations we had (even as mundane as where we wanted to take our kids to dinner).

My husband and I kept the wine pouring, the kids helped themselves to ice cream sundaes, then we played music and DANCED.  Everyone got to choose 4 songs at one time.  Magically, everyone was cooperative and remained relatively uncritical.  The only guidelines we gave were it could not be hard rock, kinda mellow for our mood.  I learned that my kids like the GLEE soundtrack, ALOT.  I had nice converations with my tween about some of the topics on that show.  I learned that my son likes music, just listening to it, not so much singing or dancing to it. I learned that my first grader knew that she really liked Norah Jones and asked for “Don’t know why” and than sang it for her father and I (very touching).  My other first grader was surprisingly much like my son, enjoying the mix, picking her music, but beyond that just wanted to “be”.

As much as  I covet that family vacation, I need to remind myself that these are the moments that are just has memorable.  Really, if a friend asked what I did last night it would sound very typical.  It wasn’t, it was powerful, I learned something.  I need to slow down, not always be DOING (trust me, that is hard because I always feel like a Titanic survivor treading water to avoid being swallowed into the black abyss).  I really must just BE.

Don’t put my face on Facebook!

I laughed as a friend told me a story about a weekend party.  Many of my pals were  there, it sounded like a fun night.  I couldn’t shake the urge to just hole up w/my family so, we stayed home.  My friend is a rockstar mom, teacher, your regular “grab-life-by-the-horns” girl.  Her motto is “Life is Good”.  S0, she’s telling me of her night and how she will be paying for it for many more nights.  Fun times spent talking dancing etc.  She interrupts this story to tell me of a woman at the party snapping photos for her Facebook page.  Now….my friend pauses and her voice changes, I wonder if she’s possessed.  She says in her demonic voice “I told her that she’ll get on MY bad side REAL quick if she puts MY face on Facebook.”  She continues “take my picture for your scrapbook for the hosts of the party, etc, but don’t you dare post it onthe internet.”  Amen to that! I think…after I secretly wonder what she’s hiding.

Seriously, are we no longer safe to just party with some friends?  Just becuase a guest has an internet site, must we risk being put out there in Facebook world for God knows who?  What’s the etiquette here? Do people ask others before they click and post? If you werent at the party, why do you care?I’m not liking this trickling into every aspect of socializing.  Oh please, oh please, don’t let my kids start Facebooking!

Chicken or Intuitive?….that’s up for grabs

I don’t even know the answer to that.  I do know that I’m enjoying subbing….enough.  Do I like it more than staying home and baking cookies?? NO. But, I do appreciate its place in my life, allowing me to keep a toe in the career waters.  I just called a turned down a job interview for a long-term sub.  Why? I ask myself.  This could be a good opportunity.  I tell myself I should stand my ground, stay loyal to the relationships I’ve forged locally.  Afterall, I do want to work close to my kids. “It won’t work.” I tell myself.  “I cannot leave the AM routine to my brood and their own devices.”  For real? Really? It feels good to put my energy there but am I wrong.  “No” I tell myself.  You will know when the time is right, when the opportunity is a good fit, You will know.  Really? is this an intuitive part of me or a chicken feeding me a line of BS?

Sweet Angels

My two oldest stood on stage, separately, with their classes.  It was the annual holiday concert at their grade school.  It was, for me, as if they were on stage all alone.  We watched their interactions, enjoyed the congratulations of parents and former teachers.  We watched them sing and interact with friends.  We snapped a photo of my daughther and her kindergarten pal in the very same spot that they were photographed at the same event 5 years ago!! How did five years race by? “No more kindergartners” I whisper to my husband. 

I watch my son, in the clothes he chose for himself.  “Your outfit makes me look like a farmer” he said.  “I need to look nice, I’m speaking.”  I think I heard a glimpse of how he will one day talk to his wife. He was so nervous(it showed a little), so stinking handsome (to me), so much more a young man than a little boy in that moment.   “We make some fine kids” I whisper to my husband.  “Remember that the next time you are screaming at them” I say to myself.

Ahh….school concerts.  For all the complaining we do about them, all the yelling and screaming to get to that place, they are special moments.  Moments that help us count our blessings and know that we are on the right path with our kids. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters to me.

Child-of-divorce-in-law

You know what they say, the effects of divorce linger for the children…..and the spouses of the children, and the grandchildren, heck, generations are touched by 2 peoples decision to make babies and divorce.  It’s fairly recently in our culture that it has become so prevalent.  I bet we haven’t even scratched the surface of how our culture is effected.

For me, it has me wishing I could escape just about every special occassion and holiday.  It has me spewing out analyses of hours spent with one grandparent vs. the other.  I’m not even the child of these people, just the daughter-in-law.  I never knew it would make me resent their divorce so much. It surprises me.  Sometimes, I feel so sorrowful for my family, that we can’t just have a normal holiday season.  Rather, we find ourselves saying things like “Christmas, take three.” I’m sad and bitter that the two people that came together to create the man I love, the father of my children, my best-friend, can barely stand to be in the same room! I can’t even imagine them together as a happy family.  I can’t picture them up late giggling, touching, talking in bed.  Their decisions have effected my husband, to be sure.  But, they’ve also effected me and my children.  I hold these things so close to my heart, probably too close. 

I wonder, how would things be different if they never divorced? How would my husband be if he hadn’t had to cater to his mother for most of his teenage life rather than the other way around? It has exhausted him, I know it, I see it, I feel it.  He is such a wonderful tender heart. It makes me very angry.  Angry for every concession I make on the holiday’s.  Every special occassion that I’m busy dodging mother’s in law, step-mother’s in law, etc.  All I want is simplicity and happiness.

It leaves me wanting to grab my bunnies and run.  Run, far and fast during the holidays.  How does that effect the culture of the season when whole generations are probably feeling the same way?  So much for gathering around the tree, I see a Christmas tree and I feel a cold sweat coming on.

It’s all in the hands

I swear you can tell what kind of wife you are dealing with by a quick glance at the hands.  Is she a kept woman? She’s probably got fake tips so perfectly groomed.  Hands that say ” I can’t be trouble with that…”.  Are they nicely painted? Hands that say”I get in there and get dirty but, I’m still a lady.”  My hands are unpainted, never been manicured (not even on my wedding day) and cracked and dry and truly and embarrassment to me and my husband.  I’ve been at parties where he has said ” Woman, cover up your toes, that’s disgusting!”.   My hands say ” I get in there, I get dirty, I do hard manual labor, I don’t bother to protect my hands, I bite my nails, etc.”   I have the hands of a tow truck driver in the cold  January snow.  I’ve got hands that my 9 year old grabs and says “Oh, mama, you are getting old, don’t get old…” To me, my hands say, “I’m here to serve.  I’m here to protect others besides myself, I’m not vain, I’m glad to use these hands to cook, clean, pack lunches, wack the weeds, rake the lawn, scrub the floor, toilets, etc….with these hands I make a home.”  My husband digs it…….until we get frisky.  Then, he wants the aforementioned women at the beginning of this post .  Sorry, it ain’t me.

The real object of my admiration and intrigue are the women that do everything I do and still have the beautiful hands. Really at the end of the day, I’m just to tired to pay attention to my hands.

It doesn’t come with you..

All the hottie moms, all the alpha/involved in everything moms, all the nice, car, name-brand moms……none of that comes with you when you leave here.  I’m reminding myself that the only thing I care to leave is my children and husband filled up with my love.  I only get to love them for awhile and they will venture on (God willing) and form their own family.  I’ll hopefully be some kind of side-kick to that, but they will have their own little nest to tend to and fill with love.   As surely as I have moved on from my parents, they will from me.  All I can do is savour them now, love them forever, and watch them do the same.   What you inject into your “nest” is your legacy, like it or lump it, its all we have.  That follows us and goes with us where ever we are. I don’t want to screw that up.

Fun after school snack

After subbing today, I returned home early…..no groceries.  I quickly popped a pot of popcorn, noni style on the stove top.  I knew I’d have 4 starving and crabby kidlets on my tail in less than an hour.  I popped, then salted the popped corn.  Then,  I sectioned it off into three parts: plain, cheesy, and CHOCOLATE COVERED.  I stuck it in the fridge and it was a nice bark, like snack.  The kids really enjoyed it. It was an easy pleaser!

Her own person

I find myself telling my 11-yr old what to do.  Get dressed for school, make your play date plans, eat your fruit, wash your face, use a stridex….that’s what I do.  I’m the mom.  Lately, this gal comes back (in a very civilized way, sometimes not so!) and tells me HER plan, HER thoughts on navigating x,y,z.  Most of the time she makes sense!  She has thoughts in her head, ideas, plans and they make sense.  She has the confidence to tell me how, and why she’s doing it.  I need to stop, take a breath and realize she is her own person right now.  She can learn from plans gone awry without me to blame because she made them…..I’m liking it.

What’s the rush?

I feel like, no, I’m certain we just survived Halloween.  I went shopping with some pals yesterday and was greeted by Christmas lights and holiday buzz. I have a set path: Summer, eases into cooler fall days, school schedule settles in, Halloween, nice Fall days, Thanksgiving, then Christmas.  How did we skip the middle, the BEST part for me? I LOVE fall and these stores and “early birds” are ruining it for me! Why can’t we savour?

It’s a beautiful fall day today, the last thing on my mind is my Christmas list.  I am starting to court Thanksgiving plans.  Why do we spend so much time worrying about what to BUY people? How about savouring and enjoying life? ENJOYING OUR PEOPLE.  I welcome the holiday season as a time for things to slow down.  Daddies work less, kids are home from school, this is the time to enjoy the home and your people. Not scour the malls for the new hot item that will ultimately be forgotten.  SLOW DOWN, enjoy more, shop less……these things I’ve learned.  These are the things that keep me focused on the survival of my family. Nothing else matters, nothing money can buy will really benefit my family.  I can’t seem to get more people on board with this.  why not plan a fun family event instead of which purchase to make?

I want Holiday’s filled with fun, friends, family, good food, fun times, cozy times, idle times.  That’s on MY list.